Being FAT is Comfortable

Seriously!

When I was bigger... at the weight (148.7kg) I first began my weightloss journey, life was just a tad more comfortable and easier...

If I couldn't get a job, I'd blame the fat!

If I couldn't get into a course I wanted, I'd blame the fat! (Like, seriously?!!)

If somebody didn't like me, I'd blame the fat!

If I was depressed and felt the world crumble around me, I'd blame the fat!

If people looked at me, I'd blame the fat!

Life is easier when fat:

You get special attention (good or bad LOL) because you are 'different'.

You stand out in a crowd.

People NEVER forget you, because you are the 'fat one'.

People feel sorry for you, because you can't get your butt around as easily and as swiftly as they can.

You are usually known by name at food stores and take aways you frequent - they even know what you are going to order.

You are even the conversation topic of people who feel sorry for you -- they discuss what should be done or said to convince you to lose weight (while you are not there).

You don't need to watch your weight :P Naughty, I know, but you are overweight anyway, so another kilo or two wont hurt, and no one will notice (bull! ppl notice when you gain 2kg, but not when you lose it. grrr)

...and the list goes on and on. I'm sure you too can add many more to this.

BUT NOW!??

Just recently I have noticed that I blend in with the crowd. I am no longer the 'fat girl' (although it's going to take some more time and a lot of mind work to accept and adjust to this).

I am ordinary! I am like everybody else. Hmmm, now I know why people do different things with their hair or clothing, because for people to notice you, you either need to be exceptionally/naturally attractive, unattractive, obese... if you are neither of these, you just do something totally random to your appearance to help you stand out of the crowd.

So I'm ordinary...

I think have gotten so used to the attention, that it feels awkward. :) Yes, in a weird way...

When I lie on my back in bed now... and put my hands over my stomach, seriously, it feels ewww and weird, because my ribcage now sticks out and my stomach is hollow (only when I lie on my back LOL). This was a feeling I had been yearning to experience all my life. Now that it has happened, it feels like I'm touching somebody elses body.

Oh I usually sleep on my right side, but now that is a 'struggle' on its own. When I do this, the bones in my arm and shoulder hurt from touching the hard bed, and when my knee caps are on top of each other, that also hurts too. (This is actually not a complaint, I smile very brightly every night when I feel all this)

I don't mean to say losing weight is bad. NO WAY! I am very happy with the weightloss and actually... I am more overwhelmed as 70kg off one's body is not something you see/hear everyday. I just feel like it's no longer my body.

I used to lack self-confidence, but the fat was always there to save me from my failures. I feel lost... sort of like a fish out of the sea...

I think moving to a new state and all the struggles I'm experiencing here are influencing my emotions too, but in all honesty, I now see that I hid behind my fat all my life. Now is time to 'come out of the closet' and embrace the changes. :)

Very very very tight!

The past week and a half has been dreadful.

I am not happy at all with my move to Sydney. It has just been too difficult: financially and emotionally.

All I want at the moment is to get out of here... but I know I can't, so I have to come to terms with all this.

The past week and a half my band has been extremely tight. Just like that! I haven't had any fills or anything. Just woke up one morning and couldn't even get water down. Anything I put in my mouth, I had to bring up myself, otherwise the pain in my chest and back wouldn't go away and I couldn't breathe.

Moving states means changing doctors for adjustments and consultations.

So I had all my files and reports faxed tot he O Clinic... Up until now, I would see my doctor once every fortnight if I had problems... and when I had no problems I would just go every 5-6 weeks. I was bulk billed and never paid anything since my surgery.

However, now I am going to pay $250 per appointment, and I will be getting just under $100 back from Medicare. I don't know if any other doctor does bulk billing, but I so need it at the moment! I have actually heard a lot of wonderful things about Dr. Craig Taylor (O Clinic), but when you can't afford it, you just can't afford it!

So last week I was in excruciating pain and couldn't breathe properly. I called the clinic and the doctor was not available and of course there was a fee... but the thing is, I had no money at all other than the $20-$30 I could use to put petrol in the car to drive up there (no job, no centrelink, had to wait for hubby's salary to come in the next week).

They suggested I go to St George Hospital Emergency... I was told they had bariatrics there and they could do the adjustment. I waited in pain and tears for hubby to come home from work. Went to the hospital. Waited for hours (naturally! emergency! ironic). Then all they did was give me a drip because I must have lost a lot of nutrients etc and asked me to wait till morning and maybe a surgeon might come along after their surgeries. The other doctors just did not know what to do. All they did was attempt to take blood samples from me, but they couldn't get any out. I told them I was anemic, and they kept on trying to get out whatever tiny amount of blood I had left. LOL

OMG! I lay there freezing (I'm anemic so I just can't warm up easily, and with no food in my system, it was impossible). Then I had a drunken man in the next bed who kept on coming over me and staring at me. He was constantly shouting and swearing. Igh! It was horrible. So I just signed the forms and asked to leave.

So this afternoon I finally have my first appointment at the O Clinic. However, I believe it may be a little late as I think I'm going to have problems. The past 2 days I feel anything I eat just sit inside for a couple hours. I'm feeling a pouch. Damn! And whose fault is it? Who do I blame? I don't know...

It's actually sad that my original clinic in Melbourne could not provide me with sufficient information. I think the bariatrics in Oz need a better networking, because I have noticed in forums that there are quite a few people who relocate or even travel!

Ok ok, I'm just ranting, but seriously, I need to get better. I did lose an extra few kilos this week and a half, but it doesn't make me happy as I know it wasn't a healthy loss.. .and they will come back once the band is opened.

Another thing, since last night I have been feeling pain in my port area. I just hope there has been no serious damage. :(

Scared...