Being FAT is Comfortable

Seriously!

When I was bigger... at the weight (148.7kg) I first began my weightloss journey, life was just a tad more comfortable and easier...

If I couldn't get a job, I'd blame the fat!

If I couldn't get into a course I wanted, I'd blame the fat! (Like, seriously?!!)

If somebody didn't like me, I'd blame the fat!

If I was depressed and felt the world crumble around me, I'd blame the fat!

If people looked at me, I'd blame the fat!

Life is easier when fat:

You get special attention (good or bad LOL) because you are 'different'.

You stand out in a crowd.

People NEVER forget you, because you are the 'fat one'.

People feel sorry for you, because you can't get your butt around as easily and as swiftly as they can.

You are usually known by name at food stores and take aways you frequent - they even know what you are going to order.

You are even the conversation topic of people who feel sorry for you -- they discuss what should be done or said to convince you to lose weight (while you are not there).

You don't need to watch your weight :P Naughty, I know, but you are overweight anyway, so another kilo or two wont hurt, and no one will notice (bull! ppl notice when you gain 2kg, but not when you lose it. grrr)

...and the list goes on and on. I'm sure you too can add many more to this.

BUT NOW!??

Just recently I have noticed that I blend in with the crowd. I am no longer the 'fat girl' (although it's going to take some more time and a lot of mind work to accept and adjust to this).

I am ordinary! I am like everybody else. Hmmm, now I know why people do different things with their hair or clothing, because for people to notice you, you either need to be exceptionally/naturally attractive, unattractive, obese... if you are neither of these, you just do something totally random to your appearance to help you stand out of the crowd.

So I'm ordinary...

I think have gotten so used to the attention, that it feels awkward. :) Yes, in a weird way...

When I lie on my back in bed now... and put my hands over my stomach, seriously, it feels ewww and weird, because my ribcage now sticks out and my stomach is hollow (only when I lie on my back LOL). This was a feeling I had been yearning to experience all my life. Now that it has happened, it feels like I'm touching somebody elses body.

Oh I usually sleep on my right side, but now that is a 'struggle' on its own. When I do this, the bones in my arm and shoulder hurt from touching the hard bed, and when my knee caps are on top of each other, that also hurts too. (This is actually not a complaint, I smile very brightly every night when I feel all this)

I don't mean to say losing weight is bad. NO WAY! I am very happy with the weightloss and actually... I am more overwhelmed as 70kg off one's body is not something you see/hear everyday. I just feel like it's no longer my body.

I used to lack self-confidence, but the fat was always there to save me from my failures. I feel lost... sort of like a fish out of the sea...

I think moving to a new state and all the struggles I'm experiencing here are influencing my emotions too, but in all honesty, I now see that I hid behind my fat all my life. Now is time to 'come out of the closet' and embrace the changes. :)

Very very very tight!

The past week and a half has been dreadful.

I am not happy at all with my move to Sydney. It has just been too difficult: financially and emotionally.

All I want at the moment is to get out of here... but I know I can't, so I have to come to terms with all this.

The past week and a half my band has been extremely tight. Just like that! I haven't had any fills or anything. Just woke up one morning and couldn't even get water down. Anything I put in my mouth, I had to bring up myself, otherwise the pain in my chest and back wouldn't go away and I couldn't breathe.

Moving states means changing doctors for adjustments and consultations.

So I had all my files and reports faxed tot he O Clinic... Up until now, I would see my doctor once every fortnight if I had problems... and when I had no problems I would just go every 5-6 weeks. I was bulk billed and never paid anything since my surgery.

However, now I am going to pay $250 per appointment, and I will be getting just under $100 back from Medicare. I don't know if any other doctor does bulk billing, but I so need it at the moment! I have actually heard a lot of wonderful things about Dr. Craig Taylor (O Clinic), but when you can't afford it, you just can't afford it!

So last week I was in excruciating pain and couldn't breathe properly. I called the clinic and the doctor was not available and of course there was a fee... but the thing is, I had no money at all other than the $20-$30 I could use to put petrol in the car to drive up there (no job, no centrelink, had to wait for hubby's salary to come in the next week).

They suggested I go to St George Hospital Emergency... I was told they had bariatrics there and they could do the adjustment. I waited in pain and tears for hubby to come home from work. Went to the hospital. Waited for hours (naturally! emergency! ironic). Then all they did was give me a drip because I must have lost a lot of nutrients etc and asked me to wait till morning and maybe a surgeon might come along after their surgeries. The other doctors just did not know what to do. All they did was attempt to take blood samples from me, but they couldn't get any out. I told them I was anemic, and they kept on trying to get out whatever tiny amount of blood I had left. LOL

OMG! I lay there freezing (I'm anemic so I just can't warm up easily, and with no food in my system, it was impossible). Then I had a drunken man in the next bed who kept on coming over me and staring at me. He was constantly shouting and swearing. Igh! It was horrible. So I just signed the forms and asked to leave.

So this afternoon I finally have my first appointment at the O Clinic. However, I believe it may be a little late as I think I'm going to have problems. The past 2 days I feel anything I eat just sit inside for a couple hours. I'm feeling a pouch. Damn! And whose fault is it? Who do I blame? I don't know...

It's actually sad that my original clinic in Melbourne could not provide me with sufficient information. I think the bariatrics in Oz need a better networking, because I have noticed in forums that there are quite a few people who relocate or even travel!

Ok ok, I'm just ranting, but seriously, I need to get better. I did lose an extra few kilos this week and a half, but it doesn't make me happy as I know it wasn't a healthy loss.. .and they will come back once the band is opened.

Another thing, since last night I have been feeling pain in my port area. I just hope there has been no serious damage. :(

Scared...

Photo Update - Me, Recently

Finally did the move to Sydney. Well, all furniture still in storage in Melbourne, but I need to find a house first (HELP!), then a job (double HELP!), and not gain any weight during the process (YELP!).

The weather wasn't too bad in Sydney on Sunday (I know, Melbourne has been sunny sunny sunnyyyyy since the day I left - it must be me or something???), so I asked hubby to take me to the city. I hadn't seen the Opera House and wanted to see it, so yeah.. destination was obvious :)

My husband took quite a few photos of me, and I thought some are quite good as progress photos, so here are a couple:

I am just around the 84kg mark in these photos. I can't give an exact figure as I haven't been weighing myself in almost a week (shock to the max!)

Recognition and taking offence ???

So I know a lot of people in my local area. I mean quite a lot! So much so that when I visit the local shopping centre I feel like a friggen celebrity! It takes me longer to get into the centre than out (because I see people whom I know and who want to say hi by the time I walk in).

Anyhow, I've been sort of hibernating the past few months. What with packing and the loads of translation projects forcing me to stay home except to run the little errands I must... So the past few days I've been frequenting the centre for final stuff for the road trip (relocation from Melbourne to Sydney). However this time it's different! I have been seeing people whom I know and who would normally grab me for a chat on foot just look the other way when they see me or just grease me off.

Hmmm... When the same thing happened today I decided to grab that person and ask what's goin' on!

It seems that people have not been ignoring me, they just have not been able to recognise me! (GASP!!!) They have not been greasing me off, they have just been staring a little extra to figure out where they know me from! (AAAAAAAYYYY AYYYY YAAAYYY)

So, I don't know if I should feel offended (come on, I know these people, some for many years, and I haven't changed THAT much) or if I should be over the moon.

I think I'm sort of over the moon about it, but it all seems so weird. I still see me exactly the same in the mirror. My face hasn't changed much... just the puffs in my cheeks have flattned down a little compared to over a year ago.

Anybody else experience that? :) How weird. I still can't get over it. LOL

Have a great weekend peeps... while I take off on my road trip to a totally new land... I seriously feel like an 'import' (well... foreign) bride. LOL Like seriously!

Wish me all the best :)

xx

Gee

The best of compliments...

I personally believe that the best of compliments for a woman are those that come from her partner.

Having said that, I should also mention that my husband is a bit of a cow. If I wanted to be a little more polite, Id' say he was blunt, but nope... he's a cow. Look, he's an awesome fella, I love him to bits, but that just doesn't change the fact.... that he's a cow. :)

Yes, it's true, not everybody who saw me noticed the weightloss until I reached the 30kg loss mark. However, I still had many many people who knew me compliment and note that I have been losing the weight. But this just wasn't enough.

So when I saw hubby I'd tell him about the compliments I received and he would just make no comment at all. Since he is so quiet and everything about it, I would go into my wardrobe of old clothing which I previously couldn't fit into and try them on. Anything that fits, I would jump out in front of him and say "ta daaaaa! look honey, I haven't been able to fit into this for like 5-6 years." (Yes, I guess I've always had hope that I may one day fit into those old clothes that I kept them for so long).

So after my performance my husband sort of feels obliged to make a comment, so he's like "oh... good.. good..."

Of course me being quite pissed right now, as I have been fishing for a compliment for about an hour, I ask, "Can't you notice any change? Can't you see the weight loss? I've lost almost 30kg and you are still not commenting? Encouraging? Are all those people who see the change lying to me? Why don't you ever say anything?"

My husband, the COW blurts out: "Well, TECHNICALLY you are still overweight."

ARGHHH. For a man who has been so supportive with my surgery, my eating etc, this was just inacceptable. Was it unacceptable or inacceptable? Oops! Well, you know what I mean. :)

Before going any further I should note that my husband definitely loves some meat on his woman. He has never ever hurt me due to my weight, and I was huge when he wanted to marry me (and I rejected him like 100 times). He's more the personality type of guy, as long as his woman has a good heart, looks are not important. So there are no problems in that area, but despite all the compliments I receive(d) from everybody else, it was his kind words that I needed to hear.

I guess this meant that I had to wait until I was closer to looking more of a standard size...

Now that I am 60 plus kgs lighter than I started 19 months ago... Now that I am a size 14, while I used to be a size 26 bursting the seams when I started... My husband turned around and said: "You are looking so hot! I find myself thinking about you all the time."

I have been receiving compliments left and right. But this compliment... My husband's words beat any other compliment that I ever received. I finally feel beautiful... :)

Probably our only 'romantic' looking photo... an old but sweet shot :)

This photo was taken during our trip to Turkey mid last year (2010). I was 18-20kg lighter post-op. So I weighed approximately 128kg. I sort of look slimmer, because by now I have learnt to pose in a way that hides a few of my 'extra' kgs. :)

Hmmm... But still! He is a bit of a cow, yeah?  :)))

xx
Gee

Achievements: Trains, Plains, and Belts...

I love travelling. I especially love flying...

However, being a large... hmm extra large... okay okay, being a 6XL person all of my adult life (I was like an XL-2XL during my childhood and teens) has not made this passion easy on me.

Every time I hop on the plane, that dreaded moment comes when the 'fasten seat belts' pops up. Ding dong! Then the hostess comes to check if everyone has their belts on... So as soon as he/she comes to me (they know it aint gonna fit me), they sort of look with suspicion in their eyes, but I blurt out "belt extension please" before they can say anything.

Most of the time the people sitting next to me lift an eyebrow... because I'm guessing they've never seen this before? Hmmm... Amazes me, because the world population is growing fast (in weight), so they must have come across it... Then I think, I'm always travelling to and through countries like Turkey, China, Malaysia, Singapore, where the majority of the population consists of mini people.

Anyways, back to the point!

It was just a couple months ago. I was flying up to Sydney to see my hubby. Now I know domestic flight seats are ALWAYS tinier than the tiny inetrnational flights. Don't even get me started on the belt size! :/

So I walk down the isle to my seat. I put up my luggage then pop into my seat...

I don't notice it at first, but I feel comfortable. Hmm... That's strange!

For the first time in my life, I notice room on both sides of my thighs in a flight seat! The armrest is (yes! for the first time!) not lifted by my thigh. I could never fit properly, so my thigh would always push the armrest up.

Normally I would sit a little sideways so my huge tuckshop arms do not give any discomfort to the person sitting next to me. However this time I'm sitting straight and my shoulders are well within my own seat. No overflow into the next seats!

By now I have a HUGE smile across my face. So much so that the guy sitting next to me was like 'wtf?' Must have thought I was looney. Ahhhh if only he knew...

Then that dreaded ding dong bell was heard to fasten seat belts. Hmmm... Yes!!!!! It clicked with no extension required... for the first time in my entire adult life! And you know what? I had to tighten it like 15-20cm. I even have proof (see attached photo).

Oh yes, after that I definitely had to try the meal tray which is never flat as it sort of lays on a slope on my tummy... Obviously that too was fine.. I had room between my thighs and the meal tray, room between my tummy and the meal tray (even when I pulled it all the way out).

I snapped a quick shot of my belt, I don't know if the guy next to me noticed, but I couldn't care less. How could I not document such a memorable moment?

The entire flight (which was only like an hour and a half) I was on cloud nine. I can't wait to hop on the plane again now.

Actually, this time I have to go on rides (e.g. show, luna park, etc) and bungee jumping!

My size 12 HOT blazer

Here it is... My size 12 blazer... It's hot, it's bold, and it's all mine! And oh yeah, it's a size 12. Did I mention it was a size 12? :))))

See, it says size 12. :))

I plan to wear it soon, so as soon as I do, I will take photos to show. :))

Progress Photos - 19 Months Later and 60kgs Lighter

So here are the progress photos I have promised from last night. They aren't the best, but meh, they give an indication of the loss and change. :)

Let's begin with my regular progress photos. The same ones I put up on every progress photo post :)

The BEFOREs:

My biggest at around 149.8kg back in September 2008. This photo was my relization... of how big I really was/am.

A couple months before surgery... around 148kg in November 2009

4 weeks after surgery

The AFTERs - The NOWs:

Chopped off my head cos my mouth was open LOL. I normally always wear a full body corset, but none in these photos. So you can see my apron tummy...

Not too bad from the back I guess... Those are size 14 trousers. :)

Yep, gravity takes its toll... The fat has all plopped down.. or has sunk down. You can actually see a bit of my arm flab here too, but it does not look as bad as it really is. My biggest problem area: my batwings. :(

I look at these photos and still see a very large person. I did mention in my previous post how I need psychological help... Even though I see the differences between the before and after photos, I need to convince myself that there is HUGE difference. A part of me sees the differences and is really very happy, another part of me is still happy but does not see enough of a difference and is a little heart broken at the same time. I just need to work on my emotions...

Where I'm at... and everything else... UPDATE!

It has been such a long time since I've updated my blog! I only have a small number of followers, but even if it was 1 person following, I should keep doing regular posts. :( Sowwy... However, I have been updating my ticker every month. Religiously!

I am currently down to 85 kg. I actually get down to about 84.5 kg, but I prefer to think I'm 85kg, because I weigh myself every single day! It's an obsession, and so my actual weight does not 'settle in' for about a week. :)

I am so very happy... grateful... ecstatic... I mean really, words cannot explain what I feel. Cliche, yes, but true!

I am now a comfy size 14 and actually some stores now I wear a size 12 (even with stuff that don't have stretch). I never ever remember wearing sizes 12-14 in my entire life. The only size I remember wearing is a size 16 at age 10-12. So you can only imagine...

However, I am having problems... 2 problems actually...

1- My reflux just continues... When it gives me a lot of pain and trouble I do go and get some fill taken out, however having fill taken out means a weight gain of about 2-3 kgs, and that I cannot handle. :( So in 2 weeks time I would go and get my fill back in. I am only at 5.3 mls now. I had gone up to 6.4 mls in the past, but due to reflux, the maximum I can have to be safe is 5.3 mls. It's fine, I'm still losing weight thank God! So I have learnt to deal, accept and live with my reflux... I try to manage it so it's at a minimum...

2- I still am unable to accept my new size/body... It's weird... I look in the mirror and I can see a lot of changes... I do have excess skin, but my tummy isn't as bad as some I have seen. My arms are horrible (the worst in my body... they were also my biggest body part), I'm fitting into sizes I never have even as a child... But I still feel fat.. absolutely, very very fat... I am told I now look standard... average... People I have known for years are seriously unable to recognise me even though it has only been 4-6 months since I last saw them!

I walk into a store and I pick up sizes 16-18 to try on, but yeah, I'm swimming in them... Then I try one smaller... then another smaller... until I get the correct size. I bought a size 14D bra... cos I couldn't find size 16C (I've gone down from a 26D to a C cup). So I come home with a 14D (I really wanted it, so I thought it being a D cup would make up for the bra not being a size 16 LOL dumb, I know), I try it on thinking I may need a bra extension at the back BUTTTTT it's too big, and I wear it at the 3rd (tightest) notch. Hmpf!

I think I need to see a psychologist soon. :( I really do not know where to stop. I know I need to slow down now. It's been 18 months... actually I'm in my 19th month since surgery... 1.5 years and I have lost 63kg now... So down from 148.5kg to 85.5 kg (I swear, photos coming very soon!)... I've been told approx 8-10 kg of me is now excess skin --- I wont be getting rid of them too soon, too expensive and I can't even afford it if it were cheap either!

Pfffff yeah I need some help! I'm really really wanting to get down to 79kg at the moment. I'm saying I will really slow it down once I get there, but I know me... I wont be able to stop myself. :( I think the fact that the weight dropping off quicker in the last 8 months is the reason why I have not been able to adapt as well as I should...

Hearing all the compliments is great, but it feels a little weird after a certain time too... and I probably think that if I stop losing the weight I will stop hearing the compliments... what happens then? wow I really am going koo koo and this post is now too long. :) I wonder if anyone else has been experiencing similar things?

hmmm I actually have 3 problems, so here is no. 3:

3- I'm relocating from Melbourne to Sydney next weekend. I have called Dr. Craig Taylor's rooms at the O Clinic. It is going to be damn difficult for me. :( I've heard great things about the clinic and Dr Taylor, but the fees are so high. :((( I had the surgery with private health insurance and of course through the Centre for Bariatric Surgery. All my follow-ups, adjustments were bulk billed. So nothing came out of my pocket. I just don't know how I am going to manage up in Sydney, especially with my reflux problems. :(

So that's about it from me for now. I shall be posting progress photos in the next couple days, so stay tuned for those. :)

OMG I did it!!!

Ok ok slow down. I havent yet reached my goal goal weight :) Still a while for that, but I am finally under 100kg... finally! double digits!!! I've been sooooo over the moon about my weight for the last couple weeks. I dont remember being under 100kg for almost 20 years. I'm turning 33 in May, so yeah since my early teens.

I've been buying size 14 jeans - but I have to admit they have stretch in them :) otherwise they wont fit, but who cares! I used to force myself into size 24 jeans just 15 months ago. :))))))

However, I have to note that my constant weight-size change has made me go crazy. ı was always a shopaholic but because I couldn't fit into much or even if I did fit, clothing didn't look good, so I would never really go home broke. Now!!! OMG please someone stop me! I definitely have a problem.

Other than that it's all great. :)

I have taken a photo of me on te scales but I cant add it right now because I'm on my iphone. I will add later during the day :))

Current weight: 97.3 kg :))))
Starting weight: 148.6 kgs

OMG, so sorry about the sockettes (it was freezing) and my legs. I would have edited the photo if I realised earlier but too bad heheh I'm adding the photo months after I promised I would add it, but yeah here's proof :)))

Progress Photos - Long Time No See

I've been up and down with sickness in the past couple months. I think I did mention the reflux and fill removal last time?

Well, I had the fill put back in gradually (2 appointments) and was going well until I got sick again... and reflux again...

This happened a couple times and I had 1 ml removed today to give my internals a rest for a couple weeks.

I have been doing great with weight loss, but if it weren't for the episodes of illness I've been experiencing, the results would not have been achieved as quickly. I have to admit that! The cause of the tightness in my band leading to reflux seems to be triggered by colds. I've been catching colds, and whenever I do, my band gets tighter leading to reflux. Apparently something goes on internally when a person gets a cold, and that pushes onto the band making it feel tighter. Doc today said colds can be tricky. Damn!

Anyhow, I am so scared to put the weight back on, because I know it is common... the body thinks you are starving it, so anything that goes in your mouth is stored as fat for survival UNTIL your metabolism kicks in again. So this means I need to hit the gym again rigorously to compensate and kick start it.

Other than all this, I now feel that the band is not for everyone! I personally wouldn't change a thing (other than doing it earlier), I love my band and very thankful for it. But I know that not everybody can cope with the throwing up, struggling to get anything down... sometimes even getting water down is a problem with the reflux. But yeah, just depends on YOU!

I am currently at 100.3 kg, but doc said take last weeks weight as my actual weight, because I was dehydrated and got nothing down the past few days. So in reality, I am approximately 103-104 kg. So that is 10 kg less than the last photos I posted. :)

I have to add that I am very happy and proud! I am loving all the compliments I receive from people who have actually seen my before and current state. :))) I can't wait to get off the next 15-20 kg (maybe another year?) --- then surgery to remove the sagging skin... my God is everything sagging or what! It's turning me off and I think I am going to be really affected psychologically (more than I already am)... dunno how to save up for it, as it is going to cost a lot... I think the cost is going to be the thing that stops me from reaching my goal/dream. Anyway, I have my fingers crossed!

Me @ 103kg at month 14... 45kg down in 14 months!

Now, comparing to the photos in the previous post, I can't see much of a difference, but the jeans I was wearing in the previous photos was a size 18, and they are now quite big on me, very loose! These ones are size 16. I now wear size 16, there are rare occasions I wear 14 (depending on fabric), but I think that if I had the sagging skin in my midrift area removed, I would probably be a 14. That bulge you see in the centre is majorly the emptied out sagging skin which I hate to see when I take off my clothing.