Being FAT is Comfortable

Seriously!

When I was bigger... at the weight (148.7kg) I first began my weightloss journey, life was just a tad more comfortable and easier...

If I couldn't get a job, I'd blame the fat!

If I couldn't get into a course I wanted, I'd blame the fat! (Like, seriously?!!)

If somebody didn't like me, I'd blame the fat!

If I was depressed and felt the world crumble around me, I'd blame the fat!

If people looked at me, I'd blame the fat!

Life is easier when fat:

You get special attention (good or bad LOL) because you are 'different'.

You stand out in a crowd.

People NEVER forget you, because you are the 'fat one'.

People feel sorry for you, because you can't get your butt around as easily and as swiftly as they can.

You are usually known by name at food stores and take aways you frequent - they even know what you are going to order.

You are even the conversation topic of people who feel sorry for you -- they discuss what should be done or said to convince you to lose weight (while you are not there).

You don't need to watch your weight :P Naughty, I know, but you are overweight anyway, so another kilo or two wont hurt, and no one will notice (bull! ppl notice when you gain 2kg, but not when you lose it. grrr)

...and the list goes on and on. I'm sure you too can add many more to this.

BUT NOW!??

Just recently I have noticed that I blend in with the crowd. I am no longer the 'fat girl' (although it's going to take some more time and a lot of mind work to accept and adjust to this).

I am ordinary! I am like everybody else. Hmmm, now I know why people do different things with their hair or clothing, because for people to notice you, you either need to be exceptionally/naturally attractive, unattractive, obese... if you are neither of these, you just do something totally random to your appearance to help you stand out of the crowd.

So I'm ordinary...

I think have gotten so used to the attention, that it feels awkward. :) Yes, in a weird way...

When I lie on my back in bed now... and put my hands over my stomach, seriously, it feels ewww and weird, because my ribcage now sticks out and my stomach is hollow (only when I lie on my back LOL). This was a feeling I had been yearning to experience all my life. Now that it has happened, it feels like I'm touching somebody elses body.

Oh I usually sleep on my right side, but now that is a 'struggle' on its own. When I do this, the bones in my arm and shoulder hurt from touching the hard bed, and when my knee caps are on top of each other, that also hurts too. (This is actually not a complaint, I smile very brightly every night when I feel all this)

I don't mean to say losing weight is bad. NO WAY! I am very happy with the weightloss and actually... I am more overwhelmed as 70kg off one's body is not something you see/hear everyday. I just feel like it's no longer my body.

I used to lack self-confidence, but the fat was always there to save me from my failures. I feel lost... sort of like a fish out of the sea...

I think moving to a new state and all the struggles I'm experiencing here are influencing my emotions too, but in all honesty, I now see that I hid behind my fat all my life. Now is time to 'come out of the closet' and embrace the changes. :)

Slowly does it...

It has been a little over 7 months since the surgery...

The weight loss has not been as fast as it is for some and not as slow as it is for others... Nonetheless, we all have different body shapes and systems and eating habits and problem areas, and etc. etc... So what matters is the fact that we continue to lose weight!

Mine was very slow during months 4-5-6 with losses of 0.5 kg to 2 kg per month. It did make me feel down, but I always thought a loss is a loss.

Now, for the last month I have been a little worried that my metabolism will sort of crash because it is the month of Ramadhan where Muslims fast (abstain from eating, sexual activity, etc from dusk to dawn) for a period of 1 month. Obviously we need to eat frequently but in smaller portions compared to our pre-banding state and this was not possible for me during the past month. Anyhow, it hasn't been too bad with a loss of approximately 2 kg, but I hope and plan to lose approx 3 during the following month.

Today is our last day of fasting for the year and the celebrations begin tomorrow. So we shall see how that all goes.

In the meantime, some more photos to share.. :)

This is from last week... Weight @ 119 kg

This is a 'fresh' photo :) from today. Weight @ 119 kg

Side shot from today :) I apologise for the link at the bottom of the photos. They are from another of my fashion-related blogs. :)